Marriage is a perfect institution created by a perfect God, but the people in marriage are very much imperfect. Just like us, the people we marry can be irresponsible with their words and actions, hurting us in the process. To remain healthy individuals, we need to heal from this hurt, and part of that healing involves forgiving them. Here are a few truths about forgiveness that we need to keep in mind in marriage if we are to have healthy and godly relationships.
Forgiving is not about my spouse
A long time ago, when I still had the privilege of hearing my pastor minister every Sunday, he preached an insanely amazing sermon addressing why blood was necessary where sin was committed. In one of his points, he explained why it is difficult for us to forgive. He said that because we are like God, it is difficult for us to forgive where no restitution has been made (see Leviticus 24:17-21). He went on to explain that the problem was that mankind does not have the ability to produce a restitution valuable enough, equivalent to the pain they’ve caused. This is why God calls for us to forgive on the basis of the restitution made by His Son, to forgive, not because we have received repayment for the wrongdoing, but because we’re forgiven.
In Matthew 18:21-35, Jesus narrates a parable in response to Peter’s question about how many times he ought to forgive. The parable speaks of a servant who had a ‘millions of dollars’ debt with the king that he couldn’t pay. Everything he owned, including himself, his wife and children, was to be sold so that he could repay the debt. But he begged the king to be patient with him, to allow him more time to try settle his debt. Instead, the king took pity on him, cancelled his debt and let him go. Just after leaving, the servant comes across a fellow servant who happens to owe him ‘a few dollars’. He grabs the man and chokes him as he demands the money he is owed. The man begs but instead of extending the same grace he has been shown, he has the man thrown in prison until he could pay off the debt. When the king hears about it, he has the servant brought in and says to him: “Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant jus I had on you?“
Through this parable, we learn that forgiveness is not about the performance of the wrongdoer, but forgiveness is an extension of the very mercy that we daily receive from our Father. Forgiving our spouse therefore has little to do with them and everything to do with God and what He has done for us. So, forgiving is a response to God, not people. This is forgiving is so hard.
“The success of marriage depends far more on what you believe about God than on how you feel about each other.”
Shiela Gregoire
Forgiving should be my first response
When we’ve accepted that forgiving is our Christian duty, we no longer deny that we must forgive, we just tend to delay it. We don’t jump at the opportunity to forgive when hurt, instead, we take our time – simmering in our hurt while our spouse bakes in regret (this does no good for our heart or our relationship). Forgiveness is curative – it heals – but when we fail to forgive and chose to harbor our hurt instead, the hurt slowly turns us the victim into a perpetrator. Hence the popular saying: ‘hurt people hurt people’. When we delay forgiving, our hearts grow bitter and thoughts of vengeance begin to entice us. Absalom delayed forgiving his half-brother Amnon for what he did to their sister Tamar (see 2 Samuel 13). Instead, he gave Amnon the silent treatment. And after basking in hatred for two years, he successfully plotted his murder.
Vengeance is obviously not Christ-like. A Christ-like response to being hurt is not repaying evil for evil, it is overcoming evil by doing good (Romans 8:22). This is why Jesus urges us to pray for those who cause us pain (Matthew 5:44), just like he did. Jesus didn’t delay forgiving those who brought him harm, he forgave those who nailed him to the cross while still on the cross! I probably would have waited till they saw me three days later in all my glory, but not Jesus, he forgave them while the sting of the pain they caused him still ran through his body. This teaches us that we don’t have to wait to feel better before we can forgive our spouse, we forgive first then wait for our feelings to follow.
“Mistakes create opportunities for us to extend God’s grace. Our willingness to forgive is one of the greatest evidences of Christ within us.”
John Bevere
Choosing to forgive is ultimately choosing to surrender our natural will to fight. Of course, forgiving doesn’t mean the event will be erased from our memory, nor does it undo it. It simply means letting go and letting God heal all the brokenness that no apology could ever fix. It doesn’t deny the damage, but it acknowledges that the damage no longer has control over us. Forgiveness is beyond us without Christ, we cannot achieve it in our own strength, but we manage it when we lean on our helper, the Holy Spirit, to help us do what only He can truly do.
Knotted by Gusquare 